are you there vodka its me chelsea online free

are you there vodka its me chelsea online free

Embeds 0 No embeds. No notes for slide. Chelsea audio biography 1. It's Me, Chelsea and chelsea handler books online free new releases on your iPhone, iPad, or Android. It's Me, Chelsea audio biography In My Horizontal Life, actress and stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler boldly recounted her one-night stands-the good, the bad, and the disastrous. In this wickedly honest new work, she casts the net wider with even funnier results, recalling the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date--including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a Peekapoo.

Displaying the candor and irresistible turn of phrase that have earned her a recurring stint as a correspondent on The Tonight Show as well as her own E! I can't seem to comprehend why or how people think this woman is funny. With the exception of one line on page where she's writing about her friend Ivory's blunt honesty: "Her style is more direct and she doesn't lie. While she's a very supportive friend, she makes no bones about telling people the absolute truth, no matter what.

When months earlier I had gotten my eyebrows bleached in hopes of making my hair color look more natural, she said, 'You look like an albino, and not one of the fun ones. You need to get your money back and have them fix it. If they can't fix it, you're better odd without any at all. I love celebrities who are as bizarre as I am, so of course I found this book hysterically funny. Actual rating: 3. I don't watch her show, Chelsea Lately, though I've seen it.

I've watched her stand up "Uganda Be Kidding Me" which made me giggle at parts and that's about my extent of Chelsea Handler-ness. I picked up this book while I was leaving work. I noticed it on the bargain table and thought, "hmm, it's already super cheap, plus with my employee discount, it'll be even cheaper It might make me giggle like her stand up..

I didn't really enjoy the first chapter. Honestly after that, I was scared to read the rest and wondered if I'm just gonna waste my time with this. But I can't base a book just on the first chapter, otherwise I would have put down many a great books.

I will say the stories do get better the further you get into the book my personal favorite chapter being "Mini-Me". I give the occasional "hmph" laugh through my nose every once in awhile, but other than that, I probably won't ever read this book again. Maybe Chelsea Handler fans enjoy it a little more? I'm not sure She is a great author. It was one of those books I never wanted to put down! It was hilarious and very well written.

Stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler casts the net wider with even finnier results, recalling the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date - including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a peekapoo. Carried this around in my purse for a few days and pulled it out whenever I needed a good laugh. Freaking hilarious. Chelsea Handler recalls some of the more outrageous moments of her life in bite-size stories.

In one passage, she recounts her time in a women's prison, in another she shares her affinity for midgets, and in yet another she recounts how her then-boyfriend cheated on her Her audacity is brought to life with her ability to translate the hilarity of her life into a wonderful second book. If you enjoy raunchy books that show no mercy, then there's a strong possibity you will love this book.

In her hilarious memoir Chelsea talks about her childhood, her family, her friends, drinking and men. She discusses a few funny predicaments she's gotten herself into, like when she was in the third grade and told her classmates that she was working on a film with Goldie Hawn to impress them. Or how when she was fish-sitting her boyfriends goldfish and it died while he was away, she replaced the fish with a bigger one and told him it grew due to the vitamin supplements she was feeding it.

She talks about her DWI arrest and the time she served in jail, which is definitely not funny, but her observations when she was in jail had me laughing out loud.

There was also a part where she discusses the male anatomy that had me in hysterics, I cried from laughing so hard. This book started off really funny, it had me in stitches, but then it fizzled toward the middle and kind of died out for me.

Chelsea has a sarcastic humor that is great, but sadly, the book slowed down and the big laughs were mostly in the first half. All in all, this was a funny book and i'm glad I read it. I just wish she had kept the momentum going and gave me one final laugh. Just read and smile : This is what you need and it will be over too soon!

Entertaining for a lightweight, easy read. Show related SlideShares at end. WordPress Shortcode. Published in: Automotive. Full Name Comment goes here. Are you sure you want to Yes No. Be the first to like this. After a few attempts, she gains renown as a babysitter, and the calls come pouring in. One of her calls, however is to look after a fourteen-year-old even though Chelsea is really only twelve and his "month-old" brother.

She accepts, and chaos ensues. Chelsea gets pulled over after drinking and driving, and is arrested and sent to the Sybil Brand Institute.

Chelsea returns home to find her father having urinary issues, conning people via his used car company and Chelsea's books. Chelsea somehow finds herself falling for a red head, even though she doesn't exactly have an affinity for men of that hair color.

Chelsea is asked to go to London for the UK release of her book, and she decides to bring her recently single and unemployed friend along. Her friend makes reservations for the both of them at a restaurant where you dine completely in the dark, and when they arrive, they realize they've gotten more than they bargained for.

After an unpleasant experience at the restaurant, they duck out to a nearby pub, where they meet what they assume to be a former rock star. Chelsea and a friend retreat to a sketchy part of town in hopes of finding a massage place with openings. I have WAY too much respect for you to subject you to this book. It's bad enough that you have to put up with me on a daily basis. Oh, and Leslie, don't read this. I can just see you getting that look on your face that I so enjoy when I speak or act inappropriately.

View 1 comment. Jun 16, Colleen Scidmore rated it really liked it Shelves: adult , currently-on-my-ereader , audio-books , funny , non-fiction , memoirs , drama , books-read-in This is the first book I've ever read by Chelsea.

I obviously know who she is, I do not live under a rock, but I've never see any of her shows, her routines or even realized she was on Girls Behaving Badly.

I've seen clips of her here and there and thought that she was pretty funny and that Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea looked like an entertaining book. And I was right it was definitely entertaining! Where to start with this book?! It was so wrong on so many levels but oh so funny! I mean This is the first book I've ever read by Chelsea. I mean like soda coming out of my nose funny and at times even close to peeing my pants funny.

She starts out talking a bit about her younger years but swiftly moves on into her 20's and goes through different escapes in her life all the way up to One of my favorites and probably the longest story in the book is her day or so in jail which started out as a DUI and turned into a fraud charge because her OWN sister turned her in for using her ID! Her own sister! I think I would want to kick my sisters ass if I were her. Anyways that story in its own was really funny especially her new found friendship with Lucille who was in jail for killing her sister.

Chelsea's sister should really thank her lucky stars she wasn't born into that family. My next favorite story is with her boyfriend at the time "Mohammed" who accompanies Chelsea while she's dog sitting for a friend pretty much again her will but she doesn't have the backbone to tell her friend no.

Something happens with Mohammed and one of the dogs that was disturbingly funny. Actually this was probably more interesting than real a favorite. One that my ears could not unhear but I was still glad she put it in the book. Chelsea's stories are definitely not politically correct and even a little raunchy at times, but I think it makes it that much funnier.

And I'm sorry but what really good comic does not offend someone in their way of trying to get a laugh. I actually commend comics because they take big risks in the fact that they are possibly really going to piss some people off or not have the audience receive their jokes very well and laugh at all. I have one negative thing to say about Chelsea and I guess it's more of an observation than anything, and I'm not even sure if it's relative any longer because this book is about 10 years old.

This woman drinks like a fish! I was seriously shocked by the amount of alcohol she can consume, I guess thus the title! But everyone has their faults and whatever makes you happy! And I definitely will be picking up more of her books, because during some trying times I've had lately this woman had me laughing my guts out.

And as the saying goes "laughter is the best medicine". Chelsea Handler's uninhibited storytelling and vulgar sense of humor make for a fun read. She has a gift for storytelling that will keep you laughing through each unbelievable and sometimes embarrassing real-life journey. This book is full of good, inappropriate fun. If you offend easily, you probably should not read it. Otherwise, have a good laugh!

Oct 26, Robyn rated it did not like it. Before I say anything regarding my rating of this book, it needs to be said how much I love Chelsea Handler.

I love Chelsea Lately, and I love her standup routines. She is a spunky, hilarious individual, and I have always admired her for that. I was really excited to read this book, because so many of my friends have enjoyed it and because I am a Chelsea enthusiast. Unfortunately, this book didn't do anything for me.

Sure, the anecdotes were funny at times, but I think I would have received them Before I say anything regarding my rating of this book, it needs to be said how much I love Chelsea Handler. Sure, the anecdotes were funny at times, but I think I would have received them much better if they were presented strictly as stand up instead of in novel form.

I was disappointed in the way she portrayed herself, mostly as an uncultured, ignorant, and dare I say "bitch," when interacting with her peers, family, lovers, and acquaintances.

I hope that she does not assume these qualities in reality and that she "fluffed up" her stories with these details in order to get a laugh out of the reader which rarely happened for myself. I also found myself personally editing the book as I went through and read it.

As a self-proclaimed grammar stickler, I tend to do this with most of everything that I read, but Ms. Handler's book made me tempted to mark the pages in red ink and hand it back to her, asking for a re-write. Did she seek out an editor? If so, he or she was a complete waste of money. I am still a huge fan of Chelsea Handler as a comedian, but I am not sure if I will ever read any of her other novels in the future.

Jan 10, Alexis rated it really liked it. This book was just as much fun as Handler's first but possibly darker. Not that she got meaner or grosser but in this book I was often wondering, since for the most part, Handler does seem to actually wish to not overtly hurt anyone's feelings, how obvious it was to the people discussed that they were subjects.

Some of them seemed to deserve it but nonetheless, this newer book seemed meaner. Handler has fantastic stories- I don't care if she has made them all up. I think her books are being mark This book was just as much fun as Handler's first but possibly darker. I think her books are being marketed incorrectly- they look so trashy, especially this second one when in fact they don't read trashy. Not that Handler does not tell stories that reveal a wildness but they are good enough to not be marketed as trash.

They stand well on their own. She is the star of her own late-night show on E! Chelsea makes regular appearances in comedy clubs across America and lives in Los Angeles. Handler's style is a friendlier, more workaday version of the haughty self-abasement practiced by Sarah Silverman, leavened by the everywoman spirit of Kathy Griffin She seems like a cruel queen bee from an expensive college: There's something suspiciously sophisticated about how her jokes line up that suggests the moral austerity of a comic not of [Joan] Rivers's bad-girl school: Tina Fey.

I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is.

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